This isnt really a cw vent as much as a mind infodump so I’m not tagging it.
When I first posted a week ago I was still deep in revelation of “dang I kinda like dressing fem”. And wondering if im really trans or just like cross dressing or if im fluid or whatever the fuck.
I’m more stressed now as im at the tail end of moving out and I’ve been go-go-go for this entire time without a break. So I haven’t really been thinking about it, every day it’s just throw my work jeans on,get the nonrunning project car running so it can get out of the garage, try to keep head straight at work, bla bla. And like, when I’m hard focused, I don’t mind being a man. I’m just getting shit done out here bro.
Which makes me wonder. When I get moved to the new place and life slows back down is this shit gonna hit me like a ton of bricks all at once? Or is it just ADHD novelty seeking drawing me in for a couple weeks and I’m faking everything?
Its weird. I haven’t tried talking about it to my partner yet but I doubt she’d be that worried (she’s super bi and open/an ally for all queers). But I’m still left questioning wtf my brain wants. I don’t really want to be this way because it adds so much more complexity to my day life.
I hate being sentient lol
You must log in or # to comment.
I’d definitely encourage you to talk to your partner about it sooner than later if they feel like a safe person! Especially if they’ll let you be flexible about experimenting and not apply labels sooner than you’re ready.
It’s different for different people. For a while I was okay just experimenting with gender in private or with a partner, but there was a turning point where it did really hit me like a ton of bricks and I realized I needed to come out or things were going to take a dark turn.
If you need support at any point, feel free to DM me and i’ll listen or help if i’m able to :3
thanks that means a lot :)
yeah i was gonna try and discuss it this weekend but she lives a 2.5hr drive away and this weekend turned into a blur of other stuff with the whole move out. i’m definitely going to bring it up to her after the moving shit is done tho
The whole, “my brain is engaged by something else so my problems don’t exist” thing happens to me too. I used to think that I operated best at work, but I’ve realized it’s just that I’m partially dissociating and my brain becomes fully occupied by whatever it is I’m doing. It’s easy to think you don’t dislike being a man when you’re in a state like that and not thinking about it, and that was definitely the case for me. When you’re not occupied will more than likely be a better litmus test of what you actually want. Maybe I was just able to identify it better because I finally knew what the root cause of the bad feeling, but wasn’t until I realized I was trans that I developed a lot of dysphoria and could put a name to it. Before that, being a guy was not a problem* for me.
I would definitely suggest bringing it up with your partner. If she’s anything like my wife, she will be a great help in figuring yourself out. My marriage was a bit rocky for a little bit because my wife wasn’t certain she could be with a woman, but when she internalized that it was still me, she became my biggest supporter, and being able to talk to someone about all aspects of my transition with no tmi filter has been huge.
Yeah, I have dedicated time off coming up for the Christmas season and I’m a little worried about what revelations I might discover during that now… Haha
i get you. identities are complex and not necessarily even constant. i’ve partaken in the same self-questioning. i think many of us have had those doubts somewhere along the line. hopefully life will chill out and you can take some time to experiment and figure out what feels right. i identified as non-binary for years before admitting to myself i’m transfem. still not sure whether the nb label applies or not at this point.
I’m almost wondering if fluid is the label that applies because I find myself wildly oscillating between the two in my mind. But I think part of it is not being fully ok or convinced of being partially or wholly fem yet.
there’s been a joke going around about “recreational estrogen usage” which means, doing it without being serious about it, more like a hobby.
it’s tempting ngl. what other people here have told me about how even just single doses of hrt can change your brain feel (when you’re wired for E but don’t have it seems to lead to brain fog n shit) makes me curious to try it.
note that i can report the effect mostly for finasteride, not so much for estrogen itself.
Thats the t blocker right?
