So for most of my life, I’ve struggled with lying. I know a lot of people with autism are honest and have a tendency to tell the truth no matter what. Despite being autistic, I have the opposite problem. I lie all the time.

From the simplest things to major concerns, lies have always been a part of my life. As a college student, The biggest thing I’ve lied about is my grades. My parents are always on my ass to do well and ask about my grades constantly. Because my parents can’t see them, I often have to show them over the computer. Luckily, for me, I can only show them what I want them. On the website that shows my grades, there is something called a what if score that you can use to test different scores to see how it will impact your grade. After you’re done using it, your score reverts back to what it originally was. I often use that to turn C’s into A’s, and just crop out the assignments that are marked as missing. This isn’t something I always do, only when I have a bad grade.

I also lie about my friendships. My parents often make the assumption that I’m lonely and don’t want me to spend the weekend in my dorm. I’m offended that they think that, as it is not the case at all. I do have friends in college, we just don’t hang out every single day. I am on the cross country team in college, and a big thing my parents assume is that that is where all my friends come from. While I enjoy being there and racing, I am far from being friends with any of them. 90% of them speak Spanish, and make jokes I don’t understand, or use slang. They are also Coaches pet’s, and insist on being perfect 24/7. They’ve all formed friendships, but I’m kinda just there. My mom was super worried about the original college I wanted to go to, and insisted I would be the minority of them, but really, I’m the minority here. I’m considering transferring, but ultimately I don’t know. So I lie to my parents and tell them I’m hanging out with friends when they call so that they aren’t worried, I’ve also turned off my location because oftentimes it shows when I’m in my dorm.

Another thing I lie about is sports. My coach wants us to trust him, and pushes us to tell him if we are injured or feel we are being overworked. The thing is, he has all the girls run the same pace, regardless of their level. Even when we tell him we aren’t ready for it, he says he wants us to try and run it. On the other hand, injuries are banned, meaning if we’re injured, he won’t let us run at all. Any injury, major or minor, banishes us to biking or sitting on the sidelines during races. I had a minor injury yesterday and today, but I haven’t said anything because we have an important race next week and I don’t want to be banned from going. I’m still taking care of myself though obviously. My old coach knew when I was injured and would put me as a liar when I said I was fine, but the difference is he actually allowed me to train and race as long as I felt ok.

As a kid, I would lie when I was nervous to do something. For example, I will be getting ready for school, And my mom would just randomly ask me, “Is your sister up yet,” Or “Can you get your sister up?” For whatever reason I get incredibly nervous when I’m asked to do this, not just towards my sister, but everybody. If I was on the phone with my parents, I would lie and tell them that I wasn’t home or was outside so I didn’t have to go check. Whenever I was honest though, my parents always told me it’s ok to lie. For example, one time I had accidentally broken a magnet on the fridge. It was a really small break so I just decided to glue it together and put it back on the fridge. Later on, my mom broke the piece that I glued back, and seemed upset about it. I ended up telling her that I did it, And she just laughed and told me I didn’t have to tell her, that she would’ve thought she broke herself. I was so embarrassed.

Another time, when my sister and I were kids, My mom would bake cookies, and my sister and I would always eat the cookie dough out of the mixing bowl. My mom would always ask us, “ Are you guys eating cookie dough?” We were really young, and at the time we just come clean that we were. Our mom would just laugh and say, “You’re supposed to say no Mom!” I have a big tendency to lie about food. One time, I ate a hot tub of feta cheese. A few days later We were eating breakfast, and my mom asked if we’ve seen it. We said we didn’t. Then she got all upset and said. “ I swear I bought a big tub of feta cheese, I know I did!” I got really nervous and eventually came clean and told her I ate it. My mom looked at me, and said a very loud and shocked tone, “Are you serious?” I freaked out and told her I was sorry, and she said, “No, it’s ok, I’m just shocked that you ate it all.” That really embarrass me because of my eating problems, I normally don’t eat a lot in front of my family, but eat large quantities of the things I can eat. Often times it stuns my parents. I don’t like my parents being shocked at how much I eat or don’t eat, so I often lie about it, and eat large amounts when I am away from them.

Lying has become a big part of my life. I know I shouldn’t be doing it, but sometimes, It makes me feel safe and calm. Has anybody else felt like this?