TouchMacaque

Are you sure?

Now that I think about it, I don’t think it’s all his own. A lot of it is probably regurgitated.

My neighbor did this to her parents but the dinosaur was made of clobe so her mom and dad became Christmas clad. None of it made any sense but I took her word for it because she gets pretty violent if you question her.

Tucker Carlson gave my great grandpa a pack of smokes in exchange for a tuna sandwich when they were roommates in 1979. When he smoked the smokes they weren’t filled with tobacco but were actually filled with dehydrated cum flakes. I assume these nicotine pouches are the same, so whoever is buying these is gonna rehydrate Tucker Carlson’s cum with their saliva. I hope I can buy a few packs to gift to family at Easter dinner this year.

Man that sounds delicious, why do these politicians these days have to be such picky eaters

Nah I’ll just pirate my offspring like I pirated offsprings music in 2002.

Where can I buy this? I’m on a mission to turn all of my sperm into plastic so I have an endless supply for my 3d printer whenever I jack off.

The entities don’t like it when you aren’t polite, they especially don’t like it if you profit off selling DMT so you just have to give it away for free. You don’t want to make them mad or else they’ll give you psychosis. My nephew’s dog’s roommate got psychosis from mechanical elves because she sold DMT to the neighborhood prostitute.

This guy used to solve rubix cubes inside his ass, it was fascinating. He’d lube one up with bike chain oil, shove it up there and just like press around on his abdomen for a few minutes and then shit it out into a bowl of rice as if it was some kind of electronic that got wet. I used to go see his performances at the local farmers market with my dad’s brother every couple weeks when I was a kid. Too bad he grew up to be whatever the hell this is, he had potential to do great things in the field of analphysics.

William S Buttholes is my favourite author because the S stands for Shlong.

3 weeks ago I went camping while jacking off and I came across my family doctor’s grandma staring at a pile of leaves. As I got closer I noticed it wasn’t a pile of leaves at all but rather a man that I recognized from somewhere. I realized I had seen him while on a trip to the UK last year at an authentic British fish and chips place my wife and 6 uncles had lunch at. He was vinegar balls Edward, an old fisherman who comes to your table for you to squeeze malt vinegar out of his balls onto your fries for an authentic British experience.

So here he is on my camping jack just laying there dead, I did what any smart person would do and I pulled out my Swiss Army knife and hacked off his sack. 2 weeks later I went back to the UK and sold his scrotum and balls to that restaurant, they were about to go out of business without malt vinegar so they were extremely appreciative when I brought them the vinegar balls. The mayor of the town named a street after me and gave me six packs of smokes. I smoked them all that day despite being a non smoker because I needed to show that I was thankful for the gift.

In 3 months I’ll be going on another camping trip with my step grandpa, no jacking off allowed this time but maybe I’ll find a corpse that’ll haunt me forever. All it takes is 6 packs of smokes and a pocket full of belly buttons. That’s right, I’m totally a smoker now because smoking is the coolest fuckin thing anyone could ever do.

My origin story

All my dads told me about how I was conceived in a bowl of iced piss from a woman they only knew as “sugar cunt”. I guess she was diabetic and liked to donate eggs in the most peculiar way.

So now whenever I ask who my mom is they just tell me she’s a cummy bear.

My neighbor’s didgeridoo teacher hired a monkey gronker for his 9/11 party last year and everyone was pretty offended. Next year I think he’ll settle for live music instead.

One day there will be a cricket player named Godzilla’s Shlong and we’ll all say the same thing

This reminds me I need to learn how to play shuffleboard in case they make an animated/live action movie about shuffleboard competitions one day.

I’ve never heard of this trump fellow

Your mommy is so big that the big store called and said “no that’s too big”.

No, full of moose hair and elephant semen. What the hell kind of cereal are you eating?

I bet she’s got legs like a bowl of cereal